A friend of mine posted a Facebook status tonight saying "If you're not ready to be a mom 24/7 you probably shouldn't have kids."
& of course it got me thinking.
One woman commented, disagreeing, stating that no one is ready to be a mom 24/7. Even the best moms need breaks.
As the comments went back and forth it sort of became apparent that the woman misunderstood what the original poster meant by the phrase.
No one was arguing that moms (or parents in general) don't need or deserve breaks.
It got me thinking though, about what constitues being a good-enough parent.
As I've talked about before, the state statutes version of "good enough parent" doesn't always mesh with what I or others believe as "good enough"
Because I at least have a basic understanding of what the law says, i guess I should try to examine what my own beliefs are.
To me, being a good enough parent means at the bare minimum, being able and more-than-willing to put your childs needs above your own at all times. And to be willing to do what you can most-of-the-time to put your childs wants above your own. *note* this does NOT mean "give your child everything they want"
This means:
If you feel like you could really use a break (which like i mentioned earlier, i think is absolutely appropriate) but you can't find an appropriate caregiver, you don't get your break.
You don't leave your toddlers at home alone, you don't leave them with near-strangers, and you don't take them out partying with you.
You don't put your desire or need for a break above your child's need for ensured safety and protection.
If you really want to watch the Bachelor and your kid is pulling at your pant leg begging you to play Pretty Pretty Princess with them for the 10,000th time: you get down on the floor and play Pretty Pretty Princess. (most of the time, anyways: i'd consider this under a "want" and not a "need") :D
When you become a parent, you aren't Numero Uno anymore.
Your child is not your side-kick, your mini-me, your entertainment, an extension of the life-like baby doll you got for Christmas when you were 8.
Your child lives and breathes because you created it and you keep it alive. It is your responsibilty to make sure that kid has a fighting chance in life.
I know that i'm preaching to the choir here. You may be reading this and saying to yourself, "well...duh"
But the thing is- many of my clients don't get this.
We talked in Seminar today about "Crossover Youth". These are kids who first came to our attention in CPS cases, and then by the time they're adolescents- they get into trouble and they get their very own Juvenile Justice/Delinquency case.
When that happens, Mom or Dad (usually just mom) comes in for the meetings too. & You wouldn't believe how many of these moms are PISSED that their kids are so much trouble.
"I got stuck with this bratty kid turned delinquent. I can't believe I have to be here. This is THEIR fault, not mine"
Which absolutely disturbs me.
Uh- your kid is here *most likely* because of how you raised them. (or didn't raise them...)
Did you teach your kid good manners? Did you teach them respect and discipline? Did you set up boundaries for them? Praise them for doing well? Did you get on the damn floor and play Pretty Pretty Princess with them? Did you take time to do anything with them other than make sure they stayed physically alive?
Because let me tell you something.
If I grew up being ignored and left to fend for myself even though I yearned for your attention- you'd better believe that when i'm old enough i WILL be number one to someone: MYSELF.
Which means doing whatever I want at whatever opportunity I get.
I don't know boundaries because you never showed me them.
I don't know respect or other values or morals because you never instilled them in me.
I don't care about school because you never encouraged me to do my homework or never praised me for getting good grades, so I stopped.
I don't have friends because I smell funny because you never taught me good hygiene or buy me new clothes when I grow out of my old ones.
i can't read because I have dyslexia and you never noticed or cared to take me to the doctor... you only told me I was stupid, just like my dad.
Kids aren't born knowing how to be successful.
You have to teach them and you are teaching every minute you are their parent.
You don't have to be perfect. One of the most important lessons anyone in the world can learn in their lifetime is that NOBODY is perfect.
Our Field Instructor challenged us all to consider what we want the future to look like for our Crossover Youth.
Of course the obvious answer to that is not wanting the Crossover Youth to exist in that aspect.
To have interventions at the Child Protective Services level be effective enough to give these kids and familes some hope for a better future.
I don't know what those interventions look like.
Big Brothers, Big Sisters Program?
Having someone give a kid attention for a few hours a week and act as a positive role model? Something the parents apparently can't do themselves?
Having a Parent-Aid in the home several hours a week?
Having higher legal expectations for parents, making it easier for CPS workers to remove kids like Tommy and place them with more suitable relatives, foster or adoptive parents?
More after school programs?
I don't know the answer.
All I know is that it's going to cost money. Lots.
And it isn't going to happen until society is willing to take money out of the corrections system and invest it in prevention programs instead.
We're obsessed with putting band-aids on gunshot wounds and we act shocked when the person bleeds out.
My goal is to one day contribute SOMEHOW to closing that gap. That high correlation between CPS kids and Juvenile Justice kids.
Fix it when we have a better chance of getting results.
Letting these kids know that there are better opportunities out there.
I think right now of a 14 year old girl we have a JJ referral on for truancy.
Wanna know why she's truant?
She's home taking care of her 3 and 1 year old siblings because mom is nowhere to be found.
Girl had to call mom's work to find out she wasn't there--- called mom's cell several times with no response.
11 year old boy in same family. He has a JJ case too.
Stealing food from a gas station.
Wanna know why he's stealing food?
No (next to no) food at home.
Yeah-- let's criminalize these kids for parenting and feeding their younger siblings because mom won't do it.
Great idea.
I get to have a convo with Mom this week about it.
Britt's about to put her assertive pants on, that's for sure.
If you can't parent 24/7.... you shouldn't have kids.
You find a way to make it work without jeapordizing your kids safety and well-being.
