Sympathy for the Maltreaters

November 9th 2010

Prior to September, the knowledge of the undeserved advantages I had growing up were tucked back in some compartment in my brain that i rarely accessed.

Since I began my internship, I am constantly reminded of them.

I don't feel guilty, because while my advantages were undeserved, I didn't take them from anybody. They just were.

I feel sad though.

And sometimes I feel just as sad for the parents I encounter, as I do the children.


Many of the parents I've come into contact with are young.

Today I met parents just a year older than me in a courtroom.

Dad was in an orange jumpsuit with cuffed wrists, and mom appeared through a video screen because she's in a mental health center.

During the verbal battles between the assistant DA, the Judge, Human Services, and the Guardian ad Litem all I could wonder is "how did these parents get here?"

Because although it's obvious, sometimes we forget that all parents, all adults, were children at some point.

And most child maltreaters have pasts just as dark as their children's presents.

Does that matter?

How can it not matter?

My childhood matters. My parents happy marriage mattered. My geographic location mattered. My race mattered. My education mattered. My biology mattered.

Where I am right this moment is a reflection and a direct result of the way I was brought up.

If I can give credit to my past for where I am now, why can't some of the parents I encounter place blame on their past without being told "well you should have just gotten past it"

I'm not trying to excuse the behavior of any of the maltreaters out there, but merely recognize that these people are not just "bad people". They too, are often victims with unresolved issues and pasts, and have not had the opportunity to learn healthy coping strategies.

What they need are intense services and support from society, not labels and incarceration (with exceptions!)

Because at the end of the day, these individuals are still parents, and the only bio parents their children will have.

And that's a bond that should never be shattered by a third party unless absolutely necessary.

And even if that bond is broken, a child does not forget his/her biological parents.

I guess it's just our infatuation with punishing instead of helping.

Because helping costs money, and why should the "undeserving" receive help?

I'll tell you why.

Because the "undeserving" have children who ARE deserving. And chances are, the "undeserving" 10, 20, 30 years ago would have been seen by society as being deserving, except we dropped the ball and missed our chance to intervene with them.

and so while we think we're just punishing parents, we punish their children as well.

Until those children worthy of our sympathy grow up to be parents. Then we expect them to know how to properly raise their children.

And the cycle repeats.